An Open Letter to the National Rifle Association

Special Thanks to the NRA


Joe Balsama

Woodside student activists hold sign in support of stricter gun legislation during the 17-minute walkout on March 14, 2018.

Sean Jau, Satirical Contributor

Dear NRA leadership,

We, as the high school students of America, are terrified for our lives. Every single day, people across the nation are being killed by guns. We need a hero, and that is why we are so grateful for one as self-defeating and morally bankrupt as you.

Thanks to you, we have come around and are happy to accept your solution to the gun problem you created: More guns!”

— Sean Jau

As everyone knows, whenever problems arise, all we kids can do is bow our heads and look to a messiah to solve that problem for us. That messiah is you. When have we, the disheveled masses, solved anything by ourselves? When there isn’t a problem, you create one for us by peddling far-right conspiracies, alternative facts, and propaganda on NRA-TV to normal people and the mentally unstable and turn them into paranoid monsters, all while tarnishing the reputations of millions of responsible gun-owning Americans who would never subscribe to that kind of garbage. How ingenious!

We will admit, we were wrong about demanding more gun control. Thanks to your constant fear mongering, we feel we know that it will never work. Just look at other developed countries like Australia. According to the Australian, before they took away almost everyone’s guns, 3.6 per 100,000 Australians died from guns. After 1996 with the passage of gun reform, the number dropped to 1.2 per 100,000 Australians. That’s an increase by negative two thirds! We don’t want that!

Thanks to you, we have come around and are happy to accept your solution to the gun problem you created:

More guns!

I can’t believe that we’ve never thought of that solution before! We really should arm every single one of our teachers! That should stop some suicidal maniac from charging into a school, guns blazing, asking for a glorious death! But why stop there? We should give every principal a heavy machine gun and conceal a bazooka and minigun in every janitor cart to rip any suspected shooter or disruptive student a superfluous new behind!

But what if a staff member goes bananas? Don’t worry! We can just cut out a hole in the pages of every textbook and conceal a pistol inside each one for the students to use in such an emergency! There’s no way that could be a bad idea! Textbooks have too many words in them anyway. I know you haven’t thought of this idea yet, but when the school shooting deaths keep coming after your reforms are put in place by the politicians you bribed (excuse me, “donated to”) with gun company money, I’m pretty sure those would be your next talking points.

We recognize the Wayne LaPierres and Dana Loesches of the nation for their commendable disservice to our country, undying loyalty to their gun manufacturer sugar daddies, and honorable contributions to their own fat wallets, and for that, we would like to say, “thank you.”


Sean Jau

In memory of the Parkland shooting victims:

Alyssa Alhadeff

Scott Beigel

Martin Duque

Nicholas Dworet

Aaron Feis

Jaime Guttenberg

Chris Hixon

Luke Hoyer

Cara Loughran

Gina Montalto

Joaquin Oliver

Alaina Petty

Meadow Pollack

Helena Ramsey

Alex Schachter

Carmen Schentrup

Peter Wang